The Calling

It occurred to me this evening, that I spend an almost obnoxious amount of time writing. For my contract positions, in my journal, and in my three blogs. Literally, every day is filled with words. Curious. I have never written this much in my life . . . and never for paid purposes. But I see health in it. Wholeness. Among the many things that the man who sexually abused me stripped me of . . . was a journal that I had kept during the time of the abuse. He took it from me and never returned it. In part because it detailed the abuse that my young mind was still trying to sort out. It was the only physical evidence of what had occurred in my time of knowing him. And it was perhaps even more dis-empowering to me than the actual abuse itself. My journals have always been sacred to me. They still are.

So I find empowerment and strength in seeing this increase in writing activity (beyond my own journals) as I make a conscious decision to move into this process of healing. Almost as if every word that I write allows me to take back the power that he took from me. That seems to be a compelling way to complete the circle.

In that, I am finally ready to share here what it was that unraveled this past weekend. I'm in a much more confident place than I was before regarding the calling that I heard. And I feel profoundly inspired to do what is necessary to move forward.

I did a writer's weekend with my platonic soul mate . . . stowed away on her partner's little sailboat, we both had a lot of things to accomplish, and we work well together. On Sunday, I was working on a book that I want to begin writing - about women's health. And while I was writing, I mumbled that I should just study Public Health, as I realized that this was going to be bigger than just a book . . . and saw how it was equivalent in scope to the nonprofit organization that I am in the midst of setting up (for CAM practitioners). My partner in crime picked up on what I muttered and proceeded to play devil's advocate with me for ten minutes or so . . . and then I went back to work after sharing that I knew I needed to take some time in nature soon to check in with myself to see when I should return to graduate school for TCM. Five minutes later, the meltdown began.

I had to step outside of the cabin . . . I was in tears as I felt something in my heart and in my body shifting profoundly. Grandfather Fire, the ocean, and the gods shared several messages with me . . . which started with telling me that I was being asked to leave my TCM studies to pursue my Masters in Public Health in order to bring the Elders of the Indigenous tribes much more deeply into the community. That this was the reason why I was so strongly connected into the organizations that I talked about in the last blog entry. I was meant to learn and absorb as much as I could from them in order to support this path.

Now, you need to understand that I don't have a very deep understanding of what one does with a Masters in Public Health. And it's not as if I was 'looking' to change my Master's Path. Anything but. So it seemed rather ludicrous (as do most callings that I receive) to hear this . . . I felt more than a bit crazy. And had it stopped there, perhaps I would have not felt so overwhelmed. But the universe likes to deliver "BIG" these days . . . and so there was more.

I was told that the nonprofit that I was developing would actually be much larger and slightly different in scope than I had first imagined. That it would serve as an incubation space for other public health projects, and that it would include all of the work that I wanted to do (with CAM professionals, with women's health) and also with the indigenous Elders. Uh . . . really? Okay . . .

Next . . . they requested that I study Plant Spirit Medicine . . . that this was the avenue (for me) of learning Chinese Medicine . . . it would provide a solid grounding to the natural world that I would need as I embarked on all of these projects. Moving forward, they assured me that my decision to utilize pilgrimage in order to heal from the trauma of the sexual abuse and rape, was completely appropriate and necessary. And that after doing this, I would be given what I needed in order to apprentice with Eliot on the path of the Marakame. This would provide the lineage that I had been seeking in my TCM studies.

And then the ocean piped in loud and clear . . . calling me to hear her story and to share it with others. Mmm . . . a lifetime of fear of water made this an interesting request. I love the ocean . . . but can't swim . . . and a little over a year ago I tried to tame that fear by walking into the ocean up to my neck and hanging out for an hour or so. Part of that was a process of rebirth. And part of that was trying to close a circle of healing for the abortion. It shifted my relationship with the ocean, but the fear is still present. So I'm not quite certain how I will heed her call. Though I know that I will.

I was asked to continue my work as a Massage Therapist, because it would provide me legitimacy in all of my work. I was also asked to continue to focus on women's health as my specialty . . . that doing so would help me to heal, and that it would also help to support the prophecy that it is the women of this world who will bring us out of crisis and heal the Earth and its' inhabitants. And in continuing my work as a Massage Therapist I was asked to continue to develop the community and the space that I was creating in my back yard . . . that it was an experimental playground for me in order to learn more about how to cultivate community and how community supports health.

And all of this would not only fit under the umbrella of a Masters in Public Health . . . but it would also all lead me back to my studio work and feed that as well.

So . . . I have started researching graduate school programs . . . and have slowly been sharing this calling with people that I love and trust. And slowly I am feeling less and less crazy and more and more excited.

Tis all for now . . .