I Have the Tools

I will need to revisit this later when my eyes are not drooping and my leg is not aching . . . but I wanted to take a moment and honor my day today. It started out incredibly rough. I woke up feeling as though something was stuck deep within my solar plexus area and my back ached. I wanted to cry. And I felt ashamed for having started this blog, for asking for support.

So I gave myself a marathon of YouTube silliness in an attempt to lighten my mood . . . it's not often that I do this . . . followed by listening to Aqua VERY loudly (think of the Barbie Girl song and you'll know who this is). And then followed that up with a shower . . . and thankfully after the shower, I did finally cry. Which helped immensely. But I didn't stop there . . . I made myself an absolutely gorgeous breakfast with fresh herbs and delicious vegetables . . . and then spent a little bit of time in the garden planting the sweetpeas and fennel. By the time I left to have lunch with my friend I was feeling more peaceful and hopeful again. And that, my friends, is the difference between now and ten years ago. I have the tools to consistently nurture and support myself while I'm in the midst of incredible discomfort.

It's not fun. It's not easy. And it's not something that I hope to have to do on a daily basis. Because, quite frankly, it's exhausting to be that uncomfortable in my own skin. However, the fact that I have a way to sit in it and move through it . . . is priceless. And, what I find rather hilarious (yes, literally, it makes me chuckle) . . . is that after I've moved through feeling something 'big' like this, the first thought that comes to mind is 'I've survived'. I've spent years terrified of the strength of my own emotions . . . and now at 30, I understand that I will survive them, if I allow myself to have them. How funny.

So the day truly was a good one. And what I would like to remember most, is that this healing, is only a small piece of my life. It is NOT my whole life . . . so even on the darkest of days, I will hold on to the other things that cause me joy. Even if I don't feel that joy right away. In fact, most likely, I will go back to an old CBT tool . . . making a thorough list of everything that I can do when I'm in a bad space, to help work myself out of it. And then engage that list when things look dire.

I have gratitude for the opportunity to experience joy. And I have gratitude for each of you. Your emails of support today have made a difference in my heart . . . these words, in particular, were touching:

Sitting with it is hard. Sitting with it in front of loved ones is harder. But safer at the same time. We are all holding you...