Numbness & Nutrition

Well folks . . . it seems as though I've jumped in the deep end of this . . . and it's only going to get deeper. Today, after a long day at school, I came home and was too exhausted to move. And this meant that I felt too exhausted to cook.

Why? Because I had broken the links of self-care today . . . starting this morning. And as a result, was one step behind all day long. By the time I came home I couldn't meet my own needs. Even if it was as simple as cooking up some eggplant for dinner.

Wednesday I started a modified diet . . . based on the Body Ecology diet. It's essentially to help ease my body of negative gut flora and replace it with positive, healthy gut flora. Strangely, it's very similar to what my body has already been craving for the past couple of weeks. So I honestly didn't think that I would have a difficult time transitioning. And in most instances, I'm not. Out of habit, I still want certain things. But when I sit down to eat, what I have in front of me is incredibly appealing to my body. So these last few days have been a breeze. Today, however, was a different story.

I think the build-up of discomfort over the week just became overwhelming to the nth degree . . . and this evening I found myself lying motionless on the futon, staring at the ceiling, starving and thinking of an avocado burrito. After an hour of internal struggle, I took a walk to the closest taco place and ordered just that . . . with a root beer . . . and then I took a walk across the street and bought a pint of chocolate ice cream and a small box of Oreo cookies. I knew exactly what I was doing. My system was on overload, and I couldn't handle feeling anything anymore. I just wanted to be numb for the rest of the evening. I felt like a criminal. Food in hand. Slinking back to my apartment. I couldn't even bear to think of what my mantras were . . . 'wholeness' and 'self-love' did not fit into what I was about to do. I came home and turned on the season premiere of Ugly Betty . . . a world of mindlessness . . . and ate the burrito . . . followed by some of the chips . . . followed by most of the cookies . . . followed by 1/4 of the pint of ice cream. And with each bite things slowly felt less and less sharp to me . . . it was a cross between feeling as though I was leaving my body . . . and feeling as though there was a lumpy blanket between my body and the pain I had felt for most of the week. It was hard to breathe. But I didn't care. I just wanted to be numb.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I realized that my plan was going to fail. I couldn't eat anymore . . . and the pain was resurfacing. And so I texted 8 . . . asked her if she could spare some love . . . she did . . . and I shared that I was having a monster of an evening . . . and why . . . She's safe for me.  And she was there tonight. Helping me to breathe through it. Telling me that she was right there with me and that I was safe. Telling me that it was okay to cry. That it was okay to unlock all of this. In that moment, I needed her support . . . and a tsunami of tears and pain and wails just poured out of my soul . . . I could feel her there with me. I could feel her hand on my heart. And i struggled with that feeling. It's hard to allow someone in like that . . . when you don't know if they'll be there for real ever again. I couldn't, even if I tried, document everything that I felt in that outpouring of sobs . . . for her . . . about the abuse . . . about her . . . for him . . . it was all too much to keep track of . . .

And I ended by feeling ashamed . . . for having asked for her support. I still feel that to some degree. This needs to take place apart from her. This needs to be rooted in me. I can't run to her every time it hurts. I don't want to open that door with her . . . and have her not walk through it. So, for next time, I need better coping skills. Other outlets. Other people to call or text. Other things to do. I need to take better care of myself. I need to not place any expectation on her. I think. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps it's okay to share some of this with her. I don't know. It all feels very unclear right now. (And considering what I ate, I'm not surprised).

I will say this . . . I'm not beating myself up over my actions this evening. I understand what happened to lead me down that road. And I've thrown out everything. I'm relieved that my stomach made me stop when it did. That I didn't polish everything off. I'm relieved that the tsunami of emotions came through. And i'm okay with the fact that I tried to numb it. I'm human. Sometimes you have to shut things off. Even if only for an hour.

With that said, I do hope not to travel down this path again. I probably will. But in all reality, I know that I don't 'NEED' to. I'm not in danger of exploding or harming myself from my emotions. I forget that I don't have the same responses that I did ten years ago. It's hard to break a very old and deeply rooted pattern. Even when I can see and feel the benefits of change. I'm safe. I can feel my emotions completely and safely.

I am whole. I love myself. I trust my heart. I am human.