How Do I Do This?

I put myself in a hot epsom salts bath last night after I came home from class and wrote. I was supposed to have had a massage but it had been canceled. Unfortunately. And I was beginning to freak out a little bit because I felt so weird in my own skin . . . and I knew that I would be doing bodywork with a client today. Not only has it been two months since I've done bodywork - due to my body's most recent smackdown regarding my job situation . . . but I also was having the weird day that I wrote about yesterday.

So to bath. And then to bed. With (finally) a blissful night of sleep. And this morning, when I woke up, I knew that I needed to take care of myself. I felt completely empty and detached from myself. It took me an hour to find my way out from under the covers. And when I finally stood on my own two feet, the first thought in my head was 'how do I do this?'. Intellectually, I knew that I needed to spend time this morning grounding myself back into my skin. But when I posed the question, there was no response from my body as to what it needed. Almost like a circuit had been switched off.

So I stumbled around my apartment for awhile and cleaned up . . . still feeling empty and detached. Even after lighting a candle - part of my morning ritual . . . I still just felt 'outside' of the experience. What next? Shower? Mantras? Flower essences? Meditation? Breakfast? What?

More wandering. And then finally I did take some Minimus flower essences. Slowly I found my way into my skin . . . and decided to start with yoga. Breathing and opening . . . I always forget and am always reminded . . . how painful it can be to breathe . . . how it will bring tears to my eyes in certain asanas . . . and then how reconnected I feel after I've breathed through the pain. This morning was like that. The practice brought me back to myself, and helped me to understand what I needed.

I followed yoga with meditation. Everyday the meditation is slightly different . . . certain pieces from my altar call to be included . . . and they tell me, in the calling what it is that they are bringing to the space. This morning, as I set the space, I realized that my grandmothers and Raihan were calling to me. Mama Sequoia as well.

It was a beautiful meditation. I have such gratitude for what they bring to my life and to my soul. And now, it's time to shower and prepare for the day.

8 has already sent me an email that made me howl with laughter. Followed by a text message that did the same. I have such gratitude for her choosing to be in my life.