The Root of My Fears

There were two very specific things that came to me when I was asked recently what I was afraid of regarding complete intimacy with another individual. We were entangled physically when she asked me this, and I realized that I felt fear that seemed very out of place considering whom I was with, and how I felt about her.

1) That I would leave my body and never return (this actually brought tears to my eyes to share).

2) That whomever I was with would ultimately leave me and never return.

Regarding #1 . . . I find this ironic. If you ask any of my closest friends about my nature, I'm fairly certain they would say that I'm 'grounded'. Perhaps moreso than most people they know. And the focus of a large majority of my healing rotates around cultivating an even deeper connection to the Earth and to being in my own body. So, with all of this work that I have done . . . and with my friends' perspective, how can I hold this fear? I have honestly NEVER heard this within myself before. Which was part of the reason why it brought tears to my eyes when I first shared it. Is this the reason why I do the things I do?

From the perspective of sexual abuse and rape, it makes sense . . . you disconnect in order to survive the experience. I know that I did. So much so that I can't be IN my body when I am approaching orgasm. I leave. And then I cry. And then I return slowly over the course of the day/night. Because I feel the emptiness of it and I feel how my past surges through my body and leaves me feeling broken. I didn't used to cry . . . I just used to disconnect completely. Which helps me to understand why I struggled so much in the tail end of my last relationship. I wasn't present. I couldn't be. And not only does this impact my own ability to be present to myself . . . but it also impacts my ability to be truly present to the person I'm in bed with. I can't have a heart connection to my partner when I'm in that space . . . and therefore, I'm not truly honoring the sacredness of their soul and their sexuality in that moment. That brings me to tears as well.

Regarding #2 . . . perhaps it is a question of seeking 'wholeness' within myself . . . rather than trying to be certain that I'm whomever I'm with won't ever leave. 'Forever' is unrealistic. Whether it be death, disease, a business trip, or simply paths diverging in different directions . . . separation and heartbreak are part of the equation. There is nothing to deny there. So how do I sit with that? I logically understand the roots . . . family family family.

I've started, in the last few days, adding two new mantras to my list of mantras in the morning - I am whole' . . . and . . .  'I love myself'. The first came to me right before I left to spend time with my soul mate . . . I was meditating and it bubbled up. On truly rough days, I repeat it to myself often. 'Whole' will most likely be the key word for my next black journal - each journal I've written in the past few years has one 'key' word in the beginning . . . almost an intention of sorts for what the time documented in writing will bring to me.

The second was given to me by the Mama Sequoia tree that I visited a few weeks ago. Every time that I have been with her, she has given me a set of instructions. This last time she was VERY chatty . . . and of the several pages of things that she told me, one of them was to say 'I love myself' everyday while looking in the mirror. I don't argue with Mama Sequoia. Ever.

So perhaps those two mantras together will help to heal the rift I feel regarding being abandoned.

And perhaps knowing the root of my fears will allow me to bring light to them and transform them into wholeness instead.