A Day of Receiving

It struck me last night to take today away from technology. 6 days a week I'm connected to my phone or to my laptop. And it was obvious to me that after last night's meltdown, my soul needed some rejuvenation. So I took today - from sunrise to sunset, away from technology.

8 had sent me an email this morning, letting me know that she was worried about me, and that she had lit our candle. I wrote her back and shared a dream that I had . . . one of speaking with an Indigenous Elder - a woman (not sure from which culture) and she had shared with me that my grandmothers were with me - that I carried them with me everyday . . . they were the beauty of my soul, and as such I was never alone. I had taken some mugwort and put it under my pillow last night. I had asked the mugwort to show me what I needed to know in order to heal . . . and this dream was the response. It was a beautiful dream . . . very peaceful.

And then, I dressed and I biked to the ocean. It was an overcast morning . . . clouds in the sky, the air still damp and slightly chilly. And about halfway there, I kicked into a zone and cycling became effortless. The ocean was calling. I thought perhaps when I arrived that I would meditate or do qi gong, but instead I continued to bicycle. When I reached the more exposed side of the beach, I turned around and came back . . . and in doing so, witnessed a group of surfers . . . one of whom was giving CPR to another surfer. I don't know what happened. And I don't know if they were able to resuscitate him - ambulances and the beach patrol arrived. I just know, in that moment, I said a prayer for him and gave gratitude for my own life.

I played in the tide for awhile . . . dancing with the surf . . . the ocean gave me a poem . . . one that reminded me that it was okay to trip . . . she spoke to me so strongly this morning . . . and I listened and danced with her as I wrote. Then I slowly biked home, stopping for some Kombucha . . . and spotted a card and a small token that I wanted to send to 8. Instead of going home, I went to the park near my house . . . to visit the Eucalyptus tree that I love to meditate with . . . and once there, did some qi gong in the small grove of sycamore and eucalyptus trees that grow there. And then meditated with the tree and spent some time writing in my journal. My heart felt incredibly clear. I felt incredibly connected to my body. Peace came through my soul in waves.

I biked home, and took a nap with my cat. An hour . . . which is long for me . . . in my favorite t-shirt. And then slowly propelled myself out of bed and into the bathtub . . . where I stayed for another hour or so . . . reading about Redwood trees and focusing on 'receiving'. After the bath came some small chores to help my landlord . . . and then sipping some vegetable broth in my backyard while my cat napped on my lap. And then I planted the vegetable garden, and cleaned up from the downpour of rain that we had. After that was finished, I came inside and cleaned my apartment, started laundry . . . and as the sun set, I took some time and I meditated.

Here I sit, peacefully.

What I've recognized today is that while the 'events' that have led me here are ones of sexual abuse and rape . . . the lesson and the root of all of this, is in learning to receive. I am a giver by nature - most women are. And while I have become more balanced in terms of how much I give, I have struggled in truly receiving. Being intimate with someone is about learning how to fully receive. And it's a lesson that needs to be learned in every day life . . . not just in the bedroom.

So the promise that I make to myself . . . is to give myself one day a week - most likely Sundays . . . where my focus and intention are solely about 'receiving'. Where I can play and wander and laugh and explore . . . and learn how to receive all that is available to me, in love and gratitude. I will work on this the other 6 days a week as well. But one day a week, everything will be turned off, and the focus will go inward. This is an absolute, if I wish to step into all that the gods are asking of me.

Today also gave me the opportunity to hear my heart clearly . . . regarding 8 and her role in my life . . . as I sat under the Eucalyptus tree, I wrote this as part of my journal entry:

There are moments where I feel crazy in loving her like this . . . in feeling so clear about what my heart sees in the future for us. For being so willing to feel so much . . . to open so wide. And yet it is what I feel called to do . . . so deeply and profoundly. To understand her. That is what my heart calls for. To understand her, on all levels. And to honor and respect that understanding. I feel my heart making the choice for her to be in my life. Making the choice to understand her. Choosing her to be my life partner, regardless of what the path looks like. That is what the most authentic part of my soul speaks. Clearly and loudly. And with intention. And I embrace it. I trust my heart. I trust hers. I trust the gods.

In my most recent life . . . everything that has felt 'crazy' has been an incredible gift to me . . . and has ultimately brought more joy and light into my day and into my heart. And so . . . I embrace the 'crazy' . . .