Paradox Unraveled

I'm having a hard time with food today. I made lunch - red cabbage, eggplant, radishes, and kale sauteed in balsamic vinagrette with 2 hard-boiled eggs and some cultured greens. And there was something about the texture and taste that turned my stomach and made it difficult for me to chew, much less swallow. I had this exact same dish two days ago and had no problem. So I'm not quite certain what has happened or where it stems from. It seems to be evoking something rather distant and disturbing, but my conscious self can't quite unravel what that might be.

I had an interesting moment on Tuesday afternoon . . . where I realized the contradictory nature of my mindset in terms of my physical self. I was on a conference call for business development purposes, and being coached by the woman leading the call. She asked me to list things that we have not yet achieved and the mindsets that have stopped us from doing so. Then she asked us to list the things we have achieved that truly aligned with who we were, and the personal qualities that we used to get there. And I found a rather interesting paradox.

I listed 'training for the AIDs Ride' as an unfulfilled goal that I have . . . and the mindset was that I was too weak and wouldn't be able to sustain myself physically in it. But then under what I have achieved, I listed 'health/vitality' . . . that would be quite the opposite of being weak, yes? The paradox grows deeper . . . a few weeks ago I finally acknowledged to myself (in part because of this business development course) that I want to specialize in Women's Health and Wellness as an LMT and an LAc. However, when I was writing an article on PMS and Chinese Herbs for this company that I'm contracting with . . . I used some incredibly strong, negative words to describe the female menstrual cycle and ensuing imbalances. I had emailed a copy of the article to 8, asking for her feedback . . . in part because she works with women day in and day out. She pointed out the verbage that I was using in the article and how it had a very different tone from what I used when I was talking about the herbs. So I rewrote it, and changed the tone . . . and her response was that the version sounded like it was written 'for a woman, by a woman'.

It caused me to question the nature of my perspectives on being a woman. Especially since that very same day, I was in the middle of ovulating, and recognized just how uncomfortable I was with the knowledge of what my body was doing. I wanted to crawl out of my skin . . . and it wasn't all about the increased physical desire that it produced. Some of it was just pure discomfort over the knowledge that the process was occurring. Nothing felt 'natural' or 'life-giving'. And when I couldn't sit in it any longer, I took a walk and bought a cookie to eat . . . to cut that awareness out of my conscious self.

So this leads me to wonder if there is a root belief within my physical self that I am too 'weak' . . . and how this fits into the discomfort that I feel in a very natural process in my body. Was this a response to the sexual abuse and rape? Or does this stem even further - back to the physical abuse that I encountered as a child, and my mother's detachment and unwillingness to educate me about my own body? Is it culturally ingrained as well? And how will all of this feed into the path I'm on right now?

Where do I start?

Even today, I don't feel centered in my body. I feel myself energetically trying to avoid everything between my upper thighs and belly button. Like an energetic chastity belt of sorts . . . it's odd.