Taking Pause

Today has been a busy day. The downside to taking 24 hours away from technology is that you crash-land into it upon your return. And today started with a 2.5 hour conference call for one of the organizations I'm contracting with. This, combined with my dietary regimen that leaves me feeling as though my feet are floating up by my eyeballs, makes for an interesting tornado of a day. It does not, however, make for a good day to take care of myself. And so, I'm sat here at 8:24 PM, having only had one full meal today at breakfast (eggplant, kale, onion and quinoa), three bites of quinoa as a snack, and several soaked almonds.

Obviously, I need to work on this.

8 and I spoke on the phone today, and also chatted later on Messenger. I think when I said that I would 'embrace' this process, my brain was only allowing me to think of the good, glorious, and beautiful things. Not the mucky, dirty, painful things. I find my brain does that often . . . especially when I go hiking . . . oh yes, it's a BEAUTIFUL trail . . . my absolute FAVORITE . . . but I somehow forget the first two miles are steep inclines with boulders to scramble the entire way. Trail amnesia. So, I'm doing a little bit of boulder scrambling with 8 right now. And that's okay. BREATHE.

The true point of this entry (beyond it being an example that I can write for hours about nothing), is that I did send an email to the female Marakame that my PSM practitioner spoke to. Well, in complete honesty, she had written to me for another reason, and when I replied, I inquired and let her know exactly who I was. Her response was brief and gentle. As she was about to head to a fire vigil and her brain was mush. She gave me her phone number so that I could call her tomorrow. Even though I received the email immediately, I didn't respond. I still haven't. Not even to thank her.

I just needed to give pause to this process. if there is one thing that I have discovered in the past five years of doing this work - via Traditional Chinese Medicine, then via Plant Spirit Medicine, and then with the one Huichol Medicine experience I have had . . . it's that it works. Good. Yes. Great. Yes. Terrifying. Yes. Of course, that, in part, is due to my own commitment to transformation and healing. I recognize that. And my PSM Practitioner echoed that when we spoke on Friday.

So, in this moment, there is a sense of the eternal . . . of knowing that choosing to pick up the phone tomorrow and engage in this dialogue . . . sets a series of events in motion that will ultimately lead me to a healthier, more balanced place. And the process may feel completely unmanageable and terrifying. There is a part of me that questions if I truly want to engage this. I can live without sex. I can even live a lifetime being single. I have plenty of things in my world that are beautiful and fascinating and could keep my attention for decades. Wouldn't it be easier to just close the door on this quietly and walk away?

. . .

And as I ask myself that question I find a sudden craving for marshmallows . . . gee . . . do you think that is an emotional craving? :p

The reality is, I can cut the drama. I'll phone tomorrow. I know I will. For whatever god-forsaken crazy ass reason I haven't been able to find the 'off' button in this lifetime. I just keep on going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny.

So here I go. For better. Or for worse. Or for something in between. It's time to give it up and surrender. Just like with 8.

I am whole. I love myself. I trust my heart.