Growing Pains

I've been quiet the past few days . . . having meltdowns, processing, expanding, contracting, hiding, showing up, having more meltdowns, crying, being angry, reflecting, loving, asking for help, and trying to take good care of myself. Yes I think that about covers it. That, and picking out an orange paint color for one of my walls.

8 is going through an incredibly difficult time right now. And even that is the understatement of the century. As her friend, I have been in the thick of it, when she has allowed me to be. And even when she has withdrawn my heart has very much been there with her. The good news: she has taken the first steps of a very long journey, in a very strong and powerful way. She is going to come through this whole.

I had my meeting with Eliot. And that is all that I can say, for now.

And my world continues to feel as though it is in complete upheaval. Filled with positive possibilities of course . . . but when everything that you once knew to be true about yourself suddenly seems quite the opposite . . . when you can't find anything that feels familiar or comfortable . . . when you spend half of your day completely certain that you must be experiencing a mental health disorder . . . well . . . it's exhausting. Pulling my eyes open in the morning is a humongous task. And usually by 5 PM my body has had enough.

I ache everywhere. I can't tell if it's from an increase in movement, being stuck in a car for four + hours on Sunday, the beginnings of a cold, not enough sleep, not the right kinds of food, or the shifting of energy in my body and its' process of letting go and growing. It is all sorts of unpleasant.

And I am all sorts of wary about embarking on anything regarding healing from sexual abuse or rape right now. I'm not certain where, when, or how I will find the time. Yet, in the maddening circle that I call my life (affectionately of course), I know that taking steps down this path is the only way to truly cultivate my vision for the future. They are interconnected deeply.

So, I'll start with something fun - painting a wall orange. This was actually meant to help me focus on my work, but it serves a secondary purpose of activating the second chakra, which, of course, deals with sexual intimacy, boundaries, movement, connecting to others, etc.

It doesn't hurt that it's also the color of fire ;)

Schematics

My meeting with Eliot is in the very near future. I spoke on the phone today with my PSM Practitioner. I had called because I was feeling 'crazy' again. Except I know that I'm not.

What I honestly feel in this moment . . . is that the universe is pouring all of this onto my plate in a way that is completely overwhelming . . . so that I will finally just step down . . . surrender . . . and give it up to a higher connection.

And honestly, that's all that I can do. I don't know which direction to go right now. I don't feel defeated. Just completely perplexed.

So . . . I made a drawing of how I got from TCM to my current vision for the future . . . mmmm . . . to help me when I talk to Eliot. It makes me laugh.

The Calling

It occurred to me this evening, that I spend an almost obnoxious amount of time writing. For my contract positions, in my journal, and in my three blogs. Literally, every day is filled with words. Curious. I have never written this much in my life . . . and never for paid purposes. But I see health in it. Wholeness. Among the many things that the man who sexually abused me stripped me of . . . was a journal that I had kept during the time of the abuse. He took it from me and never returned it. In part because it detailed the abuse that my young mind was still trying to sort out. It was the only physical evidence of what had occurred in my time of knowing him. And it was perhaps even more dis-empowering to me than the actual abuse itself. My journals have always been sacred to me. They still are.

So I find empowerment and strength in seeing this increase in writing activity (beyond my own journals) as I make a conscious decision to move into this process of healing. Almost as if every word that I write allows me to take back the power that he took from me. That seems to be a compelling way to complete the circle.

In that, I am finally ready to share here what it was that unraveled this past weekend. I'm in a much more confident place than I was before regarding the calling that I heard. And I feel profoundly inspired to do what is necessary to move forward.

I did a writer's weekend with my platonic soul mate . . . stowed away on her partner's little sailboat, we both had a lot of things to accomplish, and we work well together. On Sunday, I was working on a book that I want to begin writing - about women's health. And while I was writing, I mumbled that I should just study Public Health, as I realized that this was going to be bigger than just a book . . . and saw how it was equivalent in scope to the nonprofit organization that I am in the midst of setting up (for CAM practitioners). My partner in crime picked up on what I muttered and proceeded to play devil's advocate with me for ten minutes or so . . . and then I went back to work after sharing that I knew I needed to take some time in nature soon to check in with myself to see when I should return to graduate school for TCM. Five minutes later, the meltdown began.

I had to step outside of the cabin . . . I was in tears as I felt something in my heart and in my body shifting profoundly. Grandfather Fire, the ocean, and the gods shared several messages with me . . . which started with telling me that I was being asked to leave my TCM studies to pursue my Masters in Public Health in order to bring the Elders of the Indigenous tribes much more deeply into the community. That this was the reason why I was so strongly connected into the organizations that I talked about in the last blog entry. I was meant to learn and absorb as much as I could from them in order to support this path.

Now, you need to understand that I don't have a very deep understanding of what one does with a Masters in Public Health. And it's not as if I was 'looking' to change my Master's Path. Anything but. So it seemed rather ludicrous (as do most callings that I receive) to hear this . . . I felt more than a bit crazy. And had it stopped there, perhaps I would have not felt so overwhelmed. But the universe likes to deliver "BIG" these days . . . and so there was more.

I was told that the nonprofit that I was developing would actually be much larger and slightly different in scope than I had first imagined. That it would serve as an incubation space for other public health projects, and that it would include all of the work that I wanted to do (with CAM professionals, with women's health) and also with the indigenous Elders. Uh . . . really? Okay . . .

Next . . . they requested that I study Plant Spirit Medicine . . . that this was the avenue (for me) of learning Chinese Medicine . . . it would provide a solid grounding to the natural world that I would need as I embarked on all of these projects. Moving forward, they assured me that my decision to utilize pilgrimage in order to heal from the trauma of the sexual abuse and rape, was completely appropriate and necessary. And that after doing this, I would be given what I needed in order to apprentice with Eliot on the path of the Marakame. This would provide the lineage that I had been seeking in my TCM studies.

And then the ocean piped in loud and clear . . . calling me to hear her story and to share it with others. Mmm . . . a lifetime of fear of water made this an interesting request. I love the ocean . . . but can't swim . . . and a little over a year ago I tried to tame that fear by walking into the ocean up to my neck and hanging out for an hour or so. Part of that was a process of rebirth. And part of that was trying to close a circle of healing for the abortion. It shifted my relationship with the ocean, but the fear is still present. So I'm not quite certain how I will heed her call. Though I know that I will.

I was asked to continue my work as a Massage Therapist, because it would provide me legitimacy in all of my work. I was also asked to continue to focus on women's health as my specialty . . . that doing so would help me to heal, and that it would also help to support the prophecy that it is the women of this world who will bring us out of crisis and heal the Earth and its' inhabitants. And in continuing my work as a Massage Therapist I was asked to continue to develop the community and the space that I was creating in my back yard . . . that it was an experimental playground for me in order to learn more about how to cultivate community and how community supports health.

And all of this would not only fit under the umbrella of a Masters in Public Health . . . but it would also all lead me back to my studio work and feed that as well.

So . . . I have started researching graduate school programs . . . and have slowly been sharing this calling with people that I love and trust. And slowly I am feeling less and less crazy and more and more excited.

Tis all for now . . .

My Spiritual Life . . . Explained

So, due to a recent moment of enlightenment that has temporarily turned my world upside down, I find myself in a place where I *need* to explain my spiritual life. If I don't, then explaining what happened this weekend will not make complete sense. And each of you know that I have this annoying habit of being thorough. Let's see if I can also be concise this evening.

Sacred Fire Community - I was introduced to this community by an instructor approximately one year after I moved here. This is where it all began. I went. Sat around a fire with a group of strangers I didn't know. Simultaneously felt incredibly uncomfortable and also the strongest sense of community I had ever known. I left and didn't return to these monthly fires again for almost a year, even though they called to me, and even though I had received signs on that first night that this was to be part of my 'home'.

The above community was started by Eliot Cowan, who brought Plant Spirit Medicine (PSM) to the United States, in part due to his connection with J.R. Worsley and his studies of acupuncture. He wrote a book about it, that was recommended by the same instructor mentioned above. The first time I passed the book in the store I thought 'hooey' and kept on walking. Then, one day when I was looking for something to take me out of my head and away from all of the memorizing that I was doing for my studies, so I picked the book up again and this time, bought it. I read it from cover to cover several times, and thought about my own connections with the Sequoia trees.

I wanted to learn more about PSM, but had some deep skepticism regarding it as well, so I kept my distance. Every once in awhile I would hear that Eliot was in town speaking somewhere, but the timing never seemed to work out. Then, in December of 2008, an email for the Interspiritual Conference came across my screen. And guess who was being featured among the Elders speaking that day. I saw that there were scholarships available, and decided that if I could obtain a scholarship, then I would go. I didn't know who any of the other Elders were, only Eliot. The scholarship process was a lottery. And when I heard this I assumed that I wouldn't be chosen, so I soon forgot about it. Then just two weeks before the Conference was set to take place, I received an email stating that I had been chosen for a partial scholarship. After much hemming and hawing, I chose to accept it and decided that the worst case scenario would include hearing Eliot speak and then spending the rest of the time hiking.

Over the course of 2.5 days, my life changed. It seemed as though every moment and every person that I connected with was intentionally placed in my path to deliver something to me. Not only did I have the opportunity to meet many of the people from the fire community that I had attended, including the Firekeeper, but I also slowly found myself hearing wisdom from Elders of Indigenous cultures that echoed some of the deepest held beliefs that I had regarding nature and our relationship to it. I was completely overwhelmed. And then, on the very last day, surrounded by this beautiful community, I heard Eliot speak about the Huichol Indians and their relationship to the physical landscape. How each rock, tree, blade of grass, flower, etc was an ancestor to be listened to. And in hearing him speak, the whole world around me faded until the only thing I was aware of was his voice, and a deep aching sensation in my bones. By the time he finished, I was in tears.

Later that evening, I had the opportunity to sit with the community and watch David Wiley channel the spirit of Grandfather Fire. I was simultaneously deeply skeptical and deeply intrigued. When I went to him and offered a cigar as gratitude, I instinctively knew that there was no 'act' in what I had just seen.

I had found my community - SFC. My spiritual path - Fire. My teachers - Eliot & Grandfather Fire. And my medicine - PSM and Huichol Medicine.

The process for walking into all of this has slowly been unfolding over the past 8 months. It has been a process filled with doubt, and also filled with incredible beauty and healing. I've been the recipient of many PSM treatments which have profoundly shifted me in ways that Chinese Medicine had never been able to and I also received one Huichol Medicine session from a Marakame (Huichol Shaman) in the local community that completed the circle for me in healing from an abortion 8 years ago. I've also had the opportunity to speak with Eliot privately regarding the call I have felt to the path of the Marakame. And I will be meeting with him again to make application for pilgrimage for this.

Making application for pilgrimage has been a struggle for me to accept. I feel a bit twitchy when people use the word 'shaman'. There's a new age bent to it that is not always rooted in indigenous cultures and can be dangerous. It is also something that several years ago I would have laughed at and deemed as 'airy fairy'. But the longer that I have tried to ignore the call, the louder it has become. Essentially, at its roots, it's about bringing people back to nature in the rituals and wisdom of generations of individuals who have sustained life on this planet, in balance with the Earth.

One of the things that I found intriguing about being on the path of the Marakame, is that you are required to have a partner in order to be on the path. Being on the path is about full expression of living . . . and in their eyes, you cannot possibly be living fully if you are single. It, of course, is also about having an anchor to return to in this world, as you do this work. So, if you are single and feel called to begin this path, you can do what is called a 'boon' . . . which is essentially going to pilgrimage as a visitor and giving gratitude to the sacred site . . . and in that, setting the intention of asking the gods to provide you with someone who will be your partner in this lifetime. It would be the modern day equivalent of creating a television commercial about yourself and airing it for ten days straight across the entire world in order to find your mate. Except the gods do most of the sorting for you ;)

When I originally felt this call and spoke with Eliot, I spoke with him thinking that I would go on a boon. However, things have shifted for me in the past couple of months, and rather than use this first pilgrimage to seek a life partner (whom I already believe to be 8), I have felt deeply called to use it as an opportunity to heal from my experiences of sexual abuse and rape . . . that was part of the message I received when I was with 8 and went hiking . . . I just didn't understand the complete picture until I returned home.

There are many details that I don't know about what this path looks like. A significant amount of it is only revealed as you move forward in order to protect the sacred ways of the Huichol Indians. And some of it, I know, but I can't and won't be able to share.  But what I do know brings great comfort and joy to me . . . it resonates. And so I feel comfortable stepping forward, with all of the support that has been provided to me in the SFC, and through my PSM practitioner, the Marakames, and Eliot, into something that my heart is calling for. My connections into this community and into this spiritual path has brought so much peace and richness into my world. And the gifts continue to unfold to me daily as I find myself navigating tremendous shifts in my world, with far less distress than I have ever known before. There is an element of trust and surrender that I experience now . . . and there is also a much deeper connection to my own body and my own needs as well. I feel authentic in who I am. I feel as though I have nothing to hide with the people that I have met through these communities. That is rare. They truly have become 'home' to me.

The skepticism has remained in a smaller capacity. It's healthy, I think. It has kept me in check as I explore all of this. But in the grand scheme, the further that I allow myself to become a part of this community and listen to the call of my heart, the more beautiful my life has become.

And because I did not do such a job at being 'concise', I will leave the details of what happened this weekend to another blog entry.

Safety in Community

I spoke with the female Marakame tonight. (this all sounds very mysterious doesn't it? But I promise that it's one of the most grounded communities and healers I have ever experienced. I will take some time in the next week to see if I can explain more about them.)

I was anxious for most of the day. And irritable. I was having problems with my internet connection for most of the day which was leading me to the ends of the world in terms of aggravation. The flashing red DSL light was maddening. And making my work impossible to do. So an hour prior to the time I said that I would phone, I finally made myself stop trying to do anything (as if I were truly accomplishing anything anyhow), and I put myself on the yoga mat. It was good.

6 PM came. I phoned. An answering machine. Fuck. Really? An entire day spent with my heart wrapped in knots over this. And no answer? Fuck.

So I hung up and continued my aimless bouncing back and forth. Then a phone call with 8 . . . that evoked more than I could put here or anywhere, really. And then, I tried again, and this time I finally did connect with the female Marakame. Of course my side of the conversation with her felt rather aimless as well. None of the well-formed sentences that I had the night prior when speaking to a good friend arrived . . . she must have thought me mad. Or at the very least, quite inept in the communication department.

But beyond that, this I will say. She made me feel incredibly safe. And not just with her. But with the entire community of people in my life that have brought me to asking her for help. Including the Tsurinaame that I want to apprentice under. In only a few sentences. I could hear her heart in them. I know that I can trust these people, this community, this spiritual path to lead me home.

So, her suggestion, after we went through all of the details . . . was to have the meeting I had already scheduled with the Tsurinaame regarding my call to pilgrimage. And explain to him how things have shifted and clarified for me regarding what I feel the call is for in healing. And to share honestly that I have spoken with her, and see what his thoughts are regarding the path that would be the most beneficial to me in healing. It may be that he has some insight into all of this. It may be that he feels called to do this work with me through pilgrimage. It may be that he agrees that I should pursue the work with the female Marakame instead. I don't know. But the female Marakame has shared with me that I can be completely honest with him. That his ultimate goal in working with me, in any capacity, is to help me to heal. And that if I have any discomfort or questions, all that I need to do is share those with him, and he will respectfully hear them and help me to find comfort in the process.

So, my meeting with him is tentatively set for the morning of November 1st. We will see what comes of it and how it all unfolds.

Cycling . . . In More Ways Than One . . .

For starters, I decided this morning that my soulmate was going to have to have a code name for my entries here. Obviously she will be mentioned here, more often than others . . . and it seems silly to refer to her as my 'soul mate' all of the time. And pretentious as well. So, from this point forward, she will be referenced as 8. Very House-ish of me, yes?

I have my reasons for referring to her as 8, of which I will mostly keep private. The only one I will reveal, is that, at this moment, there are 7 women who I have asked to witness this process through the blog. And in time, as things with 8 and I become more defined, and when it feels right, I will share this with her and she will be the 8th woman. But for right now, I need this space to be separate from her eyes. She did tell me that she is committed to supporting me through this process. And I am touched and honored that she is . . . but I believe her support, for now, to be best placed as a mirror and an awakening.

Back to the topic at hand - cycling. I've been cycling more regularly in the last three days - a nice change from being too weak to engage in one of my favorite forms of movement (and sole form of transportation). And this morning, I biked to school for class. Prior to getting on my bike, I was in an uncomfortable space. I'm ovulating right now. And that translates into an internal contradiction . . . half of me wants one thing . . . the other half of me wants no part of that one thing. Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I? This morning I chose 'do' . . . but didn't get very far before it became 'DON'T'. Unfortunately, once a door has been opened on the emotions and physical memories that are agitated as a result of this . . . there's no way to shut it in time. It just floods over me and I'm left feeling uncomfortable, in pain, and exhausted.

The smartest thing to do, in that moment, would have been to immediately embark on some sort of self-care. Instead, I wrote 8 an email, because she was struggling with something and was asking for support. By the time I finished her email, I felt even more uncomfortable. THEN I embarked on some self-care . . . but too little too late . . . and I had to be out the door for class. Lesson learned. I started my bike ride and realized that the imprint of the sexual abuse and rape . . . the stagnation . . . was literally blocking the energy that I needed in order to cycle. Each turn of the wheel was a massive effort on my part and I wondered how late I was going to be for class.

So in an attempt to lessen the grip that it seemed to have on my soul, I focused on the word 'receive' as I biked. Better . . . but still not great. I changed the wording to 'receive wholeness' . . . not much better. And I shifted again to 'receive wholeness and light where there is pain and discomfort' . . . repeating that over and over and over again as I cycled through the streets, watching for cars. There were moments of relief . . . followed by resurgences of the pain. And so I brought my awareness to my body, and adjusted how I sat on the bike. Took the weight from my palms and transferred it to my core. Dropped my shoulders. And in doing so found a few more minutes of relief. I moved back and forth from this position as I s.l.o.w.l.y cycled (think 2nd gear) . . . and still felt the exhaustion . . . but knew that I needed to continue to move my legs, even in the discomfort. I focused on a steady pace, those words, my posture, and finally realized how shallow my breath was . . . how tight my chest was. And tried to take deeper breaths. Almost impossible.

When I arrived at school, my legs felt like rubber and my chest felt like brick. But I had learned something about my body and myself in cycling. Something that may help to guide me as I walk through this. About persistence . . . and receiving . . . sitting in discomfort . . . and breathing. And of course . . . about priorities. Me first.

So this evening when I came home, I finally found a space within myself to just let go . . . and in the mix of the pain that I felt . . . I also felt this profound love for 8. This raw, pure energy that flooded my soul and called for her . . . and brought me to my knees in tears. My heart continues to breathe her name, her memory, her soul into my world . . . even with so many miles between us . . . and so many obstacles ahead for each of us. There is peace in that . . . and awakening.

Last night I had a dream that I was called to go on pilgrimage to Mexico. And that just as I was about ready to leave, I realized that I didn't have my passport. I was distraught. I wanted to go so badly, and yet I was so afraid that I would get into trouble, or get caught in security. And so I decided it best not to go. But when I returned to my house, I found that all of the people who I knew and trusted and loved - my community - was there, and they were there to meet me for pilgrimage. I looked at one of them, whom I trust deeply, and I shared that I did not have my passport. And he laughed and said that it would be fine. That I would not be in any danger and that I should come regardless. After I few moments I decided to trust him. And away we went. I woke up feeling so incredibly joyous to be with my community and to be embarking on pilgrimage - as though my heart were on fire.

I think this is my answer to the next step for me in regards to healing. My PSM practitioner had mentioned that you can embark on pilgrimage for healing (not just for a boon to find your partner in this lifetime) . . . and had shared that she knew someone with a similar background (re: sexual abuse) who had done this. She felt that perhaps some of my healing may come in connecting with a sacred site. I believe that she might be right. I truly believe that 8 is my partner for this lifetime. And if I was asked today how certain I was, I would say 100%. And while it feels right to answer the call to pilgrimage . . . it does not sit well with my heart to embark on that pilgrimage as a boon. It does, however, feel right to embark on that pilgrimage with the intention of healing from the abuse and rape. Afterall, those are things that have kept me from being able to fully connect with anyone . . . and therefore something that needs to be lifted before I can receive wholeness in that capacity of my life. When my PSM practitiioner spoke to me about this part on the phone, tears formed in my eyes and my heart ached deeply . . . a sign to me that I understand what needs to happen next and why.