Growing Pains

I've been quiet the past few days . . . having meltdowns, processing, expanding, contracting, hiding, showing up, having more meltdowns, crying, being angry, reflecting, loving, asking for help, and trying to take good care of myself. Yes I think that about covers it. That, and picking out an orange paint color for one of my walls.

8 is going through an incredibly difficult time right now. And even that is the understatement of the century. As her friend, I have been in the thick of it, when she has allowed me to be. And even when she has withdrawn my heart has very much been there with her. The good news: she has taken the first steps of a very long journey, in a very strong and powerful way. She is going to come through this whole.

I had my meeting with Eliot. And that is all that I can say, for now.

And my world continues to feel as though it is in complete upheaval. Filled with positive possibilities of course . . . but when everything that you once knew to be true about yourself suddenly seems quite the opposite . . . when you can't find anything that feels familiar or comfortable . . . when you spend half of your day completely certain that you must be experiencing a mental health disorder . . . well . . . it's exhausting. Pulling my eyes open in the morning is a humongous task. And usually by 5 PM my body has had enough.

I ache everywhere. I can't tell if it's from an increase in movement, being stuck in a car for four + hours on Sunday, the beginnings of a cold, not enough sleep, not the right kinds of food, or the shifting of energy in my body and its' process of letting go and growing. It is all sorts of unpleasant.

And I am all sorts of wary about embarking on anything regarding healing from sexual abuse or rape right now. I'm not certain where, when, or how I will find the time. Yet, in the maddening circle that I call my life (affectionately of course), I know that taking steps down this path is the only way to truly cultivate my vision for the future. They are interconnected deeply.

So, I'll start with something fun - painting a wall orange. This was actually meant to help me focus on my work, but it serves a secondary purpose of activating the second chakra, which, of course, deals with sexual intimacy, boundaries, movement, connecting to others, etc.

It doesn't hurt that it's also the color of fire ;)