Fried . . .

Like an egg. Three hours of sleep. And a constant ache in my heart. I texted my acupuncturist this morning to see if she could squeeze me in on Tuesday. If it's an emergency, she replied. Because she's going out of town. I can't decide what qualifies as an emergency. Or if this is one.

I'm ricocheting around again emotionally, energetically, mentally, and physically. And there is a part of me that would like to believe that I just have to find the right combination of things to implement in my life . . . and that will pull me down again . . . back into my body . . . back into my feet. Everything that I know how to do, is once again . . . not working.

I will admit here, in a rather coded way, that I do know one thing that I believe will work. If I do it. And I'm struggling in putting my faith into it. But I also believe that my hesitance is part of the reason why I'm ricocheting so much. And that anything that I do leading up to that actual moment of decision and action . . . is only a temporary bandaid. I could be wrong. Very wrong though.

Oh would you listen to my head talking again. And again. And again.

I had breakfast with two beautiful women today . . . that temporarily lifted my spirits. Good medicine for the soul. But by the time I was halfway home . . . I felt them plunging. Beyond clean up my apartment today and sell some books, I really don't know that I'm going to do anything. I'm exhausted.  Though I need to. I know.

I would just much rather hide under the blankets. Last night before I went to sleep, I rolled some mugwort into a ball and asked for guidance on what it was that I needed to know in order to walk through this aspect of my life, with 8. I believe that answer came in the form of what happened last night. Perspective on the situation and clarity in my own feelings.

One of the women I had breakfast with today, said that she read somewhere that by the time we get dressed in the morning, we've already lost 80% of our energy to everything that we're plugged into - technology, family, friends, work, etc. Which explains why we're all so exhausted . . . and it made me think about what my biggest drains are on my energy - the abuse and the rape. Choosing to release them will put me in a new energetic space.

Or I could just shave my head. That might help too.