Here in This Moment is Who I Am

There has been a self-imposed silence on my part recently. I deactivated my Facebook account, took a break from blogging and even took some time away from personal emails. I felt the need to sit with myself . . . quietly . . . and listen to what my body was speaking to me. Away from the chatter that can so easily distract me . . . away from the eyes and ears of the rest of the world . . . I wanted to check in with myself.

In the past ten days, much has occurred . . .

- I submitted my application for a boon/pilgrimage in the Huichol tradition with the intention of using it as an opportunity to heal from the sexual abuse and rape.

- I found the graduate school that I want to attend.

- I was invited to become more involved in the inner workings of the nonprofit organization that I contract with.

- I held the first Women's Circle.

- I closed the door on my friendship with 8, and requested that she contact me when she was in a healthier place. This pains me and yet,  I have faith that is what is best for both of us, for now.

Strangely, or not so strangely . . . after I submitted my application for the boon, everything in my life seemed to quiet down and doors began to open. The faith that I held and the step that I took, with the love and support of my community, seems to have brought me more deeply into my life and into myself.

Today, I spent my Thanksgiving Day cycling along the ocean, meditating in the water, and giving gratitude for all that has been provided for me in my life. I also spent a significant portion of the day repeating the title of this blog to myself. It is a new mantra for me - one that came to me after my PSM treatment a week ago. What it seems to do, is anchor me to the core of my body, forcing me to remain present to what I feel in my heart and in my physical self, rather than to what I'm thinking or fearing.

As I bike, I silently repeat, "Here in this moment, is who I am." As I walk. As I lie in bed. As I meditate. But mostly, as I bike. And with that repetition, comes an awareness of the movement of my hip flexors, my piriformis muscles, my quads, my hamstrings, my abdomen, my core . . . an awareness that grounds me within myself . . . that allows me the opportunity to move through the numbness that is usually present there. A movement that allows me to safely explore what it is like to be alive and aware in that region of my body.

It has been a profound experience . . . one that has already helped me to move through some feelings of anger, has brought me to tears, has caused feelings of awe in the awakening of that energy, and has shown me once again, the tremendous healing powers of intention when linked with action, and the incredible intelligence of the human body.

For that, I have gratitude.