Grandmother Ocean

I've been quiet again. There is only so much that my heart can take, and this week has put me on overload almost every single day. I have gratitude for my genius of a friend who encouraged me to make a list of five things I could accomplish each morning, and then following through on that list. Guaranteed I was productive. And then the very second that the fifth thing was crossed off, I was going around in circles again. She also suggested that I cap my personal writing time to 30 minutes, until I finished everything on my list. That seemed to help as well. Even writing has me spinning in circles.

I've either felt incredibly grounded IN my body . . . AND completely uncomfortable. Or I've been walking around feeling in shock and completely OUT of my body . . . AND completely uncomfortable.

I think, after a PSM treatment, a community fire, and a day at the ocean I can rightfully claim that order has been restored in my system. I feel much more calm. Centered. Whole.

So today, I had my date with Grandmother Ocean . . . who requested that I visit her weekly. I took an incredibly long bike ride along the coast . . . sincerely could not get enough of moving my legs or just moving in general . . . I was like an addict searching for my next fix. But when I finally did lock up my bike and head to the ocean, I stood in the tide for almost an hour and barely moved. That was her request of me.

The tide was a bit tricky today. Sometimes it seemed as though it would never come to greet my toes, and other times it came rolling in up to my mid-thigh area. I watched it for awhile as I stood there . . . asked Mama Sequoia to come and join me - she had a message she needed me to deliver to 8. And then gave an offering to Grandmother, to share my gratitude for whatever she was going to teach me.

Today's lesson was about faith. Quite poignant considering that this is a word that I used at the fire on Friday evening . . . sharing how faith comes from the heart . . . as opposed to belief which comes from the head. I can't say that I've ever truly experienced 'faith'. And yet, in the process that I'm in now, faith is what I'm being asked to have . . . to cultivate . . . to live. Feeling that space in my heart, where it resides . . . begin to heal . . . has left me in tears for most of the weekend. For me, faith is a feeling . . . something that I'm working to breathe light into . . . so that I can live from that space once again.

So, Grandmother Ocean, in her wisdom . . . taught me about faith . . . taught me about standing in the tide, with my feet planted in the sand . . . holding faith above all else as her waters came to me over and over again. She is faith. The second that I moved in the tide, out of fear, instead of staying in place out of faith . . . I almost fell. And after a long dance like this . . . she finally asked me to close my eyes and stand in one place. For some, it would seem that trust would be key in this request. But trust, for me, represents something seen. Faith is what cannot be seen. So I closed my eyes and stood. And at times she was gentle with me. And at other times, not so gentle. There were only a few times where I opened my eyes. And each time I did, I heard her asking me to have faith.

Faith is where I stand right now. For the first time in my life, I cannot see what is ahead, for better or for worse. I cannot even guess as to what the best or worst case scenario would be. The only thing that I can do, is have faith.

Faith is guided by action. My own, in this moment. And I realized today, that those actions can be quick or slow . . . I do have a choice. I don't need to rush into unraveling the pain and humility of the sexual abuse and rape simply because I feel called to do so in a particular way. It is okay . . . more than okay for me to take my time and to build my faith, like a muscle . . . there are smaller things that I can do in the process of all of this . . . that will serve me well in preparation. The space in my heart that is healing . . . that is asking to be my guide as I move forward . . . will let me know when it is time for me to embark on particular things that will move me through this process.  Until then I can rest easy in knowing that while those past events in my life were pushed upon me . . . these events now are choices that I have a say in. Ultimately I will find my way to what I feel called towards. Even if only five tasks at a time.