A dream . . .
In my dream, I was in the men's bathroom. I had just stepped into a stall that was rather spacious. The door wouldn't quite close correctly, so I was holding on to it with one hand. I was planning on living there it seemed. And had apparently already spent much time there, as I saw some of my belongings in the stall. A man passed by and said something to me. Not wanting to disclose my female identity, I deepened my voice and grunted something in response. (If you ever want a laugh, ask me to do this in real life.) I peered up and over the top of the stall, and found someone that I knew looking right at me. Much like Wilson on Home Improvement, I left most of my face shielded behind the stall door, with only my eyes, forehead and top of my head exposed. Certainly that would not disclose my gender. Suddenly the door began to swing open, and I had to grab it quickly to stop it. The person that I knew looked right at me and asked me what I was doing in the men's bathroom. And I quickly ducked and hid behind the stall door, hoping she would leave. She stepped closer and asked again. When I realized that she wasn't going to leave, I mumbled that there was more space in the men's room than there was in the women's. That it was more comfortable to me. And then I peered over the edge of the stall and made her promise that she would never tell anyone that I was living there, or that I was female.
A wish . . .
As I was watching the National Parks DVD this evening, a narrator was speaking of how our experiences in these parks become something that we pass on to our children in the future . . . a heritage of memories that we create in these natural worlds. Perhaps I am simply overly tired because I've been picking myself up from the ground for the past month . . . or perhaps my bike ride this morning to the ocean, where I decided that I was married to the ocean, the trees, and the earth has me overly emotional . . . but there was a gut-wrenching turn of my stomach when I heard the narrator say this . . . and tears welled up in my eyes. If there is one thing I would lay down my life for, it would be for this Earth. And if there was one thing that would make me want to have children . . . it would be to share this Earth in the way that I know it with them. I recently have found myself wondering if in the process of healing, I will feel the maternal clock ticking that so many of my friends do. Until now I have remained rather immune to it.
A miracle . . .
That's what I need right now as I turn myself towards the unknown and let go of things that no longer serve me . . . people who do not support me . . . and labels that only serve to contain me. I have to admit to feeling very isolated right now . . . and uncertain as to how this will unfold. Especially as my body has turned up its sensitivity to food right now . . . anything outside of my modified Body Ecology diet has me feeling as though I'm losing my mind. Interesting twist considering that right about now is when I want comfort food the most.
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