Excerpted from The Wonder of Living in the Heart in Sacred Fire Magazine Issue 10
. . . That place inside is where your heart beats its gentle rhythm, that place you point to when you point to yourself, that place where your deepest, truest self lives. Babies are born living from this space. Small children still know how to live there. But we, in Western culture, teach them to live in their minds rather than in their bodies and their hearts. We may be the only culture that does this. Aboriginal peoples grow up still living in their hearts, still connected to nature and wonder.
We do not. We grow up living in our heads, disconnected from our deepest experiences, from our connection to the Earth and to all of life. I am convinced that this is part of why we are destroying the Earth and aboriginal peoples are not - because we (unlike them) are out of touch with our bodies and hearts, where our sense of kinship with the rest of life lives. By learning to live in our hearts again we can reconnect with that sense of kinship and with our deepest experiences of life. We can reconnect with the wonder and immense power of nature.
. . . You feel as though you are coming home after a long absence, and in a very real sense you are doing just that. You are coming home to the way life was meant to be lived. You are coming home to your truest, deepest self. You are coming home to . . . well, life.
. . . It is in the heart center that we feel our inherent worth as human beings, and that we feel the inherent worth of all other beings. The heart center is a place of love for yourself and for all Creation. It is the place where you experience your larger self - where you know, as one of my teachers kept telling me that "you are so much more than this."
This morning, I read this upon waking . . . and realized that my focus could be turned away from the area of my body that is numb, towards my heart. Because ultimately my heart is the root of all else, and has the ability to transform anything that I feel elsewhere. I laid one hand in my heart space, and one hand on my lower abdomen, breathing deeply and repeating the mantra, 'Here in this moment, is who I am.'
And slowly I understood myself to be larger than the pain that this process of facing the sexual abuse and rape has brought to me. I felt little need to 'understand' how those experiences shaped me. And instead fell into the rhythm of my body, into its softness, and into its wholeness. I recognized the safety that was inherently found in being present to my heart center. As I did this, the numbness dissolved.
This will be part of my waking meditation each morning.
Showing posts with label body awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body awareness. Show all posts
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Ovulation
I wish that I understood why this particular aspect of my cycle causes so much distress for me. I find myself again at day 14 and even with the small steps forward that I have seen in this process . . . the progress halts and slides back again. Suddenly I am numb again. Suddenly my mantra is no longer holding me present to this and creating a safe space. Suddenly I want food that will give sensation to that area, even in the form of bloating and heaviness. Something that will surround it and keep me anchored in an area that I can no longer feel again.
Perhaps it is so difficult because it represents the ultimate gift of being a woman. This, some would say, is the source of our power - to create human life. Yet, I cannot exist in that space. While I'm certain that some of this is rooted in having had an abortion and the energetics of that process, I would also say that my experience of rape as a teenager also feeds into this as well. There was no protection time and time again, yet I never became pregnant. Was I just that lucky? Or did my body protect me that dutifully? Did it know intrinsically that my survival depended on being able to leave home, and begin a new life?
If so, then I question what it must have experienced in finally opening to that power . . . only to have the process halted in its tracks.
Perhaps it is so difficult because it represents the ultimate gift of being a woman. This, some would say, is the source of our power - to create human life. Yet, I cannot exist in that space. While I'm certain that some of this is rooted in having had an abortion and the energetics of that process, I would also say that my experience of rape as a teenager also feeds into this as well. There was no protection time and time again, yet I never became pregnant. Was I just that lucky? Or did my body protect me that dutifully? Did it know intrinsically that my survival depended on being able to leave home, and begin a new life?
If so, then I question what it must have experienced in finally opening to that power . . . only to have the process halted in its tracks.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Here in This Moment is Who I Am
There has been a self-imposed silence on my part recently. I deactivated my Facebook account, took a break from blogging and even took some time away from personal emails. I felt the need to sit with myself . . . quietly . . . and listen to what my body was speaking to me. Away from the chatter that can so easily distract me . . . away from the eyes and ears of the rest of the world . . . I wanted to check in with myself.
In the past ten days, much has occurred . . .
- I submitted my application for a boon/pilgrimage in the Huichol tradition with the intention of using it as an opportunity to heal from the sexual abuse and rape.
- I found the graduate school that I want to attend.
- I was invited to become more involved in the inner workings of the nonprofit organization that I contract with.
- I held the first Women's Circle.
- I closed the door on my friendship with 8, and requested that she contact me when she was in a healthier place. This pains me and yet, I have faith that is what is best for both of us, for now.
Strangely, or not so strangely . . . after I submitted my application for the boon, everything in my life seemed to quiet down and doors began to open. The faith that I held and the step that I took, with the love and support of my community, seems to have brought me more deeply into my life and into myself.
Today, I spent my Thanksgiving Day cycling along the ocean, meditating in the water, and giving gratitude for all that has been provided for me in my life. I also spent a significant portion of the day repeating the title of this blog to myself. It is a new mantra for me - one that came to me after my PSM treatment a week ago. What it seems to do, is anchor me to the core of my body, forcing me to remain present to what I feel in my heart and in my physical self, rather than to what I'm thinking or fearing.
As I bike, I silently repeat, "Here in this moment, is who I am." As I walk. As I lie in bed. As I meditate. But mostly, as I bike. And with that repetition, comes an awareness of the movement of my hip flexors, my piriformis muscles, my quads, my hamstrings, my abdomen, my core . . . an awareness that grounds me within myself . . . that allows me the opportunity to move through the numbness that is usually present there. A movement that allows me to safely explore what it is like to be alive and aware in that region of my body.
It has been a profound experience . . . one that has already helped me to move through some feelings of anger, has brought me to tears, has caused feelings of awe in the awakening of that energy, and has shown me once again, the tremendous healing powers of intention when linked with action, and the incredible intelligence of the human body.
For that, I have gratitude.
In the past ten days, much has occurred . . .
- I submitted my application for a boon/pilgrimage in the Huichol tradition with the intention of using it as an opportunity to heal from the sexual abuse and rape.
- I found the graduate school that I want to attend.
- I was invited to become more involved in the inner workings of the nonprofit organization that I contract with.
- I held the first Women's Circle.
- I closed the door on my friendship with 8, and requested that she contact me when she was in a healthier place. This pains me and yet, I have faith that is what is best for both of us, for now.
Strangely, or not so strangely . . . after I submitted my application for the boon, everything in my life seemed to quiet down and doors began to open. The faith that I held and the step that I took, with the love and support of my community, seems to have brought me more deeply into my life and into myself.
Today, I spent my Thanksgiving Day cycling along the ocean, meditating in the water, and giving gratitude for all that has been provided for me in my life. I also spent a significant portion of the day repeating the title of this blog to myself. It is a new mantra for me - one that came to me after my PSM treatment a week ago. What it seems to do, is anchor me to the core of my body, forcing me to remain present to what I feel in my heart and in my physical self, rather than to what I'm thinking or fearing.
As I bike, I silently repeat, "Here in this moment, is who I am." As I walk. As I lie in bed. As I meditate. But mostly, as I bike. And with that repetition, comes an awareness of the movement of my hip flexors, my piriformis muscles, my quads, my hamstrings, my abdomen, my core . . . an awareness that grounds me within myself . . . that allows me the opportunity to move through the numbness that is usually present there. A movement that allows me to safely explore what it is like to be alive and aware in that region of my body.
It has been a profound experience . . . one that has already helped me to move through some feelings of anger, has brought me to tears, has caused feelings of awe in the awakening of that energy, and has shown me once again, the tremendous healing powers of intention when linked with action, and the incredible intelligence of the human body.
For that, I have gratitude.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Grandmother Ocean
I've been quiet again. There is only so much that my heart can take, and this week has put me on overload almost every single day. I have gratitude for my genius of a friend who encouraged me to make a list of five things I could accomplish each morning, and then following through on that list. Guaranteed I was productive. And then the very second that the fifth thing was crossed off, I was going around in circles again. She also suggested that I cap my personal writing time to 30 minutes, until I finished everything on my list. That seemed to help as well. Even writing has me spinning in circles.
I've either felt incredibly grounded IN my body . . . AND completely uncomfortable. Or I've been walking around feeling in shock and completely OUT of my body . . . AND completely uncomfortable.
I think, after a PSM treatment, a community fire, and a day at the ocean I can rightfully claim that order has been restored in my system. I feel much more calm. Centered. Whole.
So today, I had my date with Grandmother Ocean . . . who requested that I visit her weekly. I took an incredibly long bike ride along the coast . . . sincerely could not get enough of moving my legs or just moving in general . . . I was like an addict searching for my next fix. But when I finally did lock up my bike and head to the ocean, I stood in the tide for almost an hour and barely moved. That was her request of me.
The tide was a bit tricky today. Sometimes it seemed as though it would never come to greet my toes, and other times it came rolling in up to my mid-thigh area. I watched it for awhile as I stood there . . . asked Mama Sequoia to come and join me - she had a message she needed me to deliver to 8. And then gave an offering to Grandmother, to share my gratitude for whatever she was going to teach me.
Today's lesson was about faith. Quite poignant considering that this is a word that I used at the fire on Friday evening . . . sharing how faith comes from the heart . . . as opposed to belief which comes from the head. I can't say that I've ever truly experienced 'faith'. And yet, in the process that I'm in now, faith is what I'm being asked to have . . . to cultivate . . . to live. Feeling that space in my heart, where it resides . . . begin to heal . . . has left me in tears for most of the weekend. For me, faith is a feeling . . . something that I'm working to breathe light into . . . so that I can live from that space once again.
So, Grandmother Ocean, in her wisdom . . . taught me about faith . . . taught me about standing in the tide, with my feet planted in the sand . . . holding faith above all else as her waters came to me over and over again. She is faith. The second that I moved in the tide, out of fear, instead of staying in place out of faith . . . I almost fell. And after a long dance like this . . . she finally asked me to close my eyes and stand in one place. For some, it would seem that trust would be key in this request. But trust, for me, represents something seen. Faith is what cannot be seen. So I closed my eyes and stood. And at times she was gentle with me. And at other times, not so gentle. There were only a few times where I opened my eyes. And each time I did, I heard her asking me to have faith.
Faith is where I stand right now. For the first time in my life, I cannot see what is ahead, for better or for worse. I cannot even guess as to what the best or worst case scenario would be. The only thing that I can do, is have faith.
Faith is guided by action. My own, in this moment. And I realized today, that those actions can be quick or slow . . . I do have a choice. I don't need to rush into unraveling the pain and humility of the sexual abuse and rape simply because I feel called to do so in a particular way. It is okay . . . more than okay for me to take my time and to build my faith, like a muscle . . . there are smaller things that I can do in the process of all of this . . . that will serve me well in preparation. The space in my heart that is healing . . . that is asking to be my guide as I move forward . . . will let me know when it is time for me to embark on particular things that will move me through this process. Until then I can rest easy in knowing that while those past events in my life were pushed upon me . . . these events now are choices that I have a say in. Ultimately I will find my way to what I feel called towards. Even if only five tasks at a time.
I've either felt incredibly grounded IN my body . . . AND completely uncomfortable. Or I've been walking around feeling in shock and completely OUT of my body . . . AND completely uncomfortable.
I think, after a PSM treatment, a community fire, and a day at the ocean I can rightfully claim that order has been restored in my system. I feel much more calm. Centered. Whole.
So today, I had my date with Grandmother Ocean . . . who requested that I visit her weekly. I took an incredibly long bike ride along the coast . . . sincerely could not get enough of moving my legs or just moving in general . . . I was like an addict searching for my next fix. But when I finally did lock up my bike and head to the ocean, I stood in the tide for almost an hour and barely moved. That was her request of me.
The tide was a bit tricky today. Sometimes it seemed as though it would never come to greet my toes, and other times it came rolling in up to my mid-thigh area. I watched it for awhile as I stood there . . . asked Mama Sequoia to come and join me - she had a message she needed me to deliver to 8. And then gave an offering to Grandmother, to share my gratitude for whatever she was going to teach me.
Today's lesson was about faith. Quite poignant considering that this is a word that I used at the fire on Friday evening . . . sharing how faith comes from the heart . . . as opposed to belief which comes from the head. I can't say that I've ever truly experienced 'faith'. And yet, in the process that I'm in now, faith is what I'm being asked to have . . . to cultivate . . . to live. Feeling that space in my heart, where it resides . . . begin to heal . . . has left me in tears for most of the weekend. For me, faith is a feeling . . . something that I'm working to breathe light into . . . so that I can live from that space once again.
So, Grandmother Ocean, in her wisdom . . . taught me about faith . . . taught me about standing in the tide, with my feet planted in the sand . . . holding faith above all else as her waters came to me over and over again. She is faith. The second that I moved in the tide, out of fear, instead of staying in place out of faith . . . I almost fell. And after a long dance like this . . . she finally asked me to close my eyes and stand in one place. For some, it would seem that trust would be key in this request. But trust, for me, represents something seen. Faith is what cannot be seen. So I closed my eyes and stood. And at times she was gentle with me. And at other times, not so gentle. There were only a few times where I opened my eyes. And each time I did, I heard her asking me to have faith.
Faith is where I stand right now. For the first time in my life, I cannot see what is ahead, for better or for worse. I cannot even guess as to what the best or worst case scenario would be. The only thing that I can do, is have faith.
Faith is guided by action. My own, in this moment. And I realized today, that those actions can be quick or slow . . . I do have a choice. I don't need to rush into unraveling the pain and humility of the sexual abuse and rape simply because I feel called to do so in a particular way. It is okay . . . more than okay for me to take my time and to build my faith, like a muscle . . . there are smaller things that I can do in the process of all of this . . . that will serve me well in preparation. The space in my heart that is healing . . . that is asking to be my guide as I move forward . . . will let me know when it is time for me to embark on particular things that will move me through this process. Until then I can rest easy in knowing that while those past events in my life were pushed upon me . . . these events now are choices that I have a say in. Ultimately I will find my way to what I feel called towards. Even if only five tasks at a time.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Uneasy
It doesn't seem to matter that I'm physically exhausted. I can't sleep. I shared some very basic details of the sexual abuse and the rape with someone. Fairly straightforward. Very confidential. And yet I feel as though in doing so, I've exposed something that I can't quite take back. There's no 'undo' button. So I feel my body just waiting . . . waiting to be flooded with memories . . . waiting for the visceral sensations to rise uncontrollably. As though I've invited both of them back into my world again.
It's disconcerting, to say the least.
It's disconcerting, to say the least.
Growing Pains
I've been quiet the past few days . . . having meltdowns, processing, expanding, contracting, hiding, showing up, having more meltdowns, crying, being angry, reflecting, loving, asking for help, and trying to take good care of myself. Yes I think that about covers it. That, and picking out an orange paint color for one of my walls.
8 is going through an incredibly difficult time right now. And even that is the understatement of the century. As her friend, I have been in the thick of it, when she has allowed me to be. And even when she has withdrawn my heart has very much been there with her. The good news: she has taken the first steps of a very long journey, in a very strong and powerful way. She is going to come through this whole.
I had my meeting with Eliot. And that is all that I can say, for now.
And my world continues to feel as though it is in complete upheaval. Filled with positive possibilities of course . . . but when everything that you once knew to be true about yourself suddenly seems quite the opposite . . . when you can't find anything that feels familiar or comfortable . . . when you spend half of your day completely certain that you must be experiencing a mental health disorder . . . well . . . it's exhausting. Pulling my eyes open in the morning is a humongous task. And usually by 5 PM my body has had enough.
I ache everywhere. I can't tell if it's from an increase in movement, being stuck in a car for four + hours on Sunday, the beginnings of a cold, not enough sleep, not the right kinds of food, or the shifting of energy in my body and its' process of letting go and growing. It is all sorts of unpleasant.
And I am all sorts of wary about embarking on anything regarding healing from sexual abuse or rape right now. I'm not certain where, when, or how I will find the time. Yet, in the maddening circle that I call my life (affectionately of course), I know that taking steps down this path is the only way to truly cultivate my vision for the future. They are interconnected deeply.
So, I'll start with something fun - painting a wall orange. This was actually meant to help me focus on my work, but it serves a secondary purpose of activating the second chakra, which, of course, deals with sexual intimacy, boundaries, movement, connecting to others, etc.
It doesn't hurt that it's also the color of fire ;)
8 is going through an incredibly difficult time right now. And even that is the understatement of the century. As her friend, I have been in the thick of it, when she has allowed me to be. And even when she has withdrawn my heart has very much been there with her. The good news: she has taken the first steps of a very long journey, in a very strong and powerful way. She is going to come through this whole.
I had my meeting with Eliot. And that is all that I can say, for now.
And my world continues to feel as though it is in complete upheaval. Filled with positive possibilities of course . . . but when everything that you once knew to be true about yourself suddenly seems quite the opposite . . . when you can't find anything that feels familiar or comfortable . . . when you spend half of your day completely certain that you must be experiencing a mental health disorder . . . well . . . it's exhausting. Pulling my eyes open in the morning is a humongous task. And usually by 5 PM my body has had enough.
I ache everywhere. I can't tell if it's from an increase in movement, being stuck in a car for four + hours on Sunday, the beginnings of a cold, not enough sleep, not the right kinds of food, or the shifting of energy in my body and its' process of letting go and growing. It is all sorts of unpleasant.
And I am all sorts of wary about embarking on anything regarding healing from sexual abuse or rape right now. I'm not certain where, when, or how I will find the time. Yet, in the maddening circle that I call my life (affectionately of course), I know that taking steps down this path is the only way to truly cultivate my vision for the future. They are interconnected deeply.
So, I'll start with something fun - painting a wall orange. This was actually meant to help me focus on my work, but it serves a secondary purpose of activating the second chakra, which, of course, deals with sexual intimacy, boundaries, movement, connecting to others, etc.
It doesn't hurt that it's also the color of fire ;)
Friday, October 23, 2009
How Do I Do This?
I put myself in a hot epsom salts bath last night after I came home from class and wrote. I was supposed to have had a massage but it had been canceled. Unfortunately. And I was beginning to freak out a little bit because I felt so weird in my own skin . . . and I knew that I would be doing bodywork with a client today. Not only has it been two months since I've done bodywork - due to my body's most recent smackdown regarding my job situation . . . but I also was having the weird day that I wrote about yesterday.
So to bath. And then to bed. With (finally) a blissful night of sleep. And this morning, when I woke up, I knew that I needed to take care of myself. I felt completely empty and detached from myself. It took me an hour to find my way out from under the covers. And when I finally stood on my own two feet, the first thought in my head was 'how do I do this?'. Intellectually, I knew that I needed to spend time this morning grounding myself back into my skin. But when I posed the question, there was no response from my body as to what it needed. Almost like a circuit had been switched off.
So I stumbled around my apartment for awhile and cleaned up . . . still feeling empty and detached. Even after lighting a candle - part of my morning ritual . . . I still just felt 'outside' of the experience. What next? Shower? Mantras? Flower essences? Meditation? Breakfast? What?
More wandering. And then finally I did take some Minimus flower essences. Slowly I found my way into my skin . . . and decided to start with yoga. Breathing and opening . . . I always forget and am always reminded . . . how painful it can be to breathe . . . how it will bring tears to my eyes in certain asanas . . . and then how reconnected I feel after I've breathed through the pain. This morning was like that. The practice brought me back to myself, and helped me to understand what I needed.
I followed yoga with meditation. Everyday the meditation is slightly different . . . certain pieces from my altar call to be included . . . and they tell me, in the calling what it is that they are bringing to the space. This morning, as I set the space, I realized that my grandmothers and Raihan were calling to me. Mama Sequoia as well.
It was a beautiful meditation. I have such gratitude for what they bring to my life and to my soul. And now, it's time to shower and prepare for the day.
8 has already sent me an email that made me howl with laughter. Followed by a text message that did the same. I have such gratitude for her choosing to be in my life.
So to bath. And then to bed. With (finally) a blissful night of sleep. And this morning, when I woke up, I knew that I needed to take care of myself. I felt completely empty and detached from myself. It took me an hour to find my way out from under the covers. And when I finally stood on my own two feet, the first thought in my head was 'how do I do this?'. Intellectually, I knew that I needed to spend time this morning grounding myself back into my skin. But when I posed the question, there was no response from my body as to what it needed. Almost like a circuit had been switched off.
So I stumbled around my apartment for awhile and cleaned up . . . still feeling empty and detached. Even after lighting a candle - part of my morning ritual . . . I still just felt 'outside' of the experience. What next? Shower? Mantras? Flower essences? Meditation? Breakfast? What?
More wandering. And then finally I did take some Minimus flower essences. Slowly I found my way into my skin . . . and decided to start with yoga. Breathing and opening . . . I always forget and am always reminded . . . how painful it can be to breathe . . . how it will bring tears to my eyes in certain asanas . . . and then how reconnected I feel after I've breathed through the pain. This morning was like that. The practice brought me back to myself, and helped me to understand what I needed.
I followed yoga with meditation. Everyday the meditation is slightly different . . . certain pieces from my altar call to be included . . . and they tell me, in the calling what it is that they are bringing to the space. This morning, as I set the space, I realized that my grandmothers and Raihan were calling to me. Mama Sequoia as well.
It was a beautiful meditation. I have such gratitude for what they bring to my life and to my soul. And now, it's time to shower and prepare for the day.
8 has already sent me an email that made me howl with laughter. Followed by a text message that did the same. I have such gratitude for her choosing to be in my life.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Feeling 'Off' . . .
I had a truly odd experience while biking to class today. The chastity belt sensation persisted. But I also just felt uprooted. As though I didn't know where I ended and the rest of the world began. Every single curb that I came close to I almost knocked into. I simply could not calculate the distance and control my bike accordingly. Thankfully the cars cut me a break - save for one guy in an SUV who decided to cut me off and then wolf-whistled at me afterwards. Insult to injury. Yes.
I was wearing my favorite blue ribbed t-shirt and my jeans, rolled up to my knees with my biking shoes. One of my favorite outfits to bike in. But I recognize that it does leave me appearing a bit more masculine. Normally I don't care. But today it left me feeling twitchy the entire time I was biking. I just wanted to get off my bike and change my clothes. I felt like a monster. And I was feeling incredible sensitive in making eye contact with men - as if they could somehow see through my clothes. And through me.
So . . . twitchy . . . uncomfortable . . . uprooted . . . vulnerable . . . with no sense of boundaries.
I think part of it has to do with the dietary transition. I'm used to having food in my diet that acts as a ballast in grounding me. Now, with the elimination of wheat, sugar, dairy, and eating less protein and more vegetables, not only have I lost some of the 'grounding' sensation that the food brought . . . but my energy is also naturally just lifting higher because the quality and energy of the food is better. It's weird.
The one thing I will say about biking tonight is that . . . well two things . . . 1) it was easier today than it has been in quite awhile to bike - more energy, better flow, better body mechanics (even if I couldn't navigate the bike properly around curbs) and 2) biking home tonight as the fog was rolling in with the crescent moon above, was absolutely beautiful.
I was wearing my favorite blue ribbed t-shirt and my jeans, rolled up to my knees with my biking shoes. One of my favorite outfits to bike in. But I recognize that it does leave me appearing a bit more masculine. Normally I don't care. But today it left me feeling twitchy the entire time I was biking. I just wanted to get off my bike and change my clothes. I felt like a monster. And I was feeling incredible sensitive in making eye contact with men - as if they could somehow see through my clothes. And through me.
So . . . twitchy . . . uncomfortable . . . uprooted . . . vulnerable . . . with no sense of boundaries.
I think part of it has to do with the dietary transition. I'm used to having food in my diet that acts as a ballast in grounding me. Now, with the elimination of wheat, sugar, dairy, and eating less protein and more vegetables, not only have I lost some of the 'grounding' sensation that the food brought . . . but my energy is also naturally just lifting higher because the quality and energy of the food is better. It's weird.
The one thing I will say about biking tonight is that . . . well two things . . . 1) it was easier today than it has been in quite awhile to bike - more energy, better flow, better body mechanics (even if I couldn't navigate the bike properly around curbs) and 2) biking home tonight as the fog was rolling in with the crescent moon above, was absolutely beautiful.
Paradox Unraveled
I'm having a hard time with food today. I made lunch - red cabbage, eggplant, radishes, and kale sauteed in balsamic vinagrette with 2 hard-boiled eggs and some cultured greens. And there was something about the texture and taste that turned my stomach and made it difficult for me to chew, much less swallow. I had this exact same dish two days ago and had no problem. So I'm not quite certain what has happened or where it stems from. It seems to be evoking something rather distant and disturbing, but my conscious self can't quite unravel what that might be.
I had an interesting moment on Tuesday afternoon . . . where I realized the contradictory nature of my mindset in terms of my physical self. I was on a conference call for business development purposes, and being coached by the woman leading the call. She asked me to list things that we have not yet achieved and the mindsets that have stopped us from doing so. Then she asked us to list the things we have achieved that truly aligned with who we were, and the personal qualities that we used to get there. And I found a rather interesting paradox.
I listed 'training for the AIDs Ride' as an unfulfilled goal that I have . . . and the mindset was that I was too weak and wouldn't be able to sustain myself physically in it. But then under what I have achieved, I listed 'health/vitality' . . . that would be quite the opposite of being weak, yes? The paradox grows deeper . . . a few weeks ago I finally acknowledged to myself (in part because of this business development course) that I want to specialize in Women's Health and Wellness as an LMT and an LAc. However, when I was writing an article on PMS and Chinese Herbs for this company that I'm contracting with . . . I used some incredibly strong, negative words to describe the female menstrual cycle and ensuing imbalances. I had emailed a copy of the article to 8, asking for her feedback . . . in part because she works with women day in and day out. She pointed out the verbage that I was using in the article and how it had a very different tone from what I used when I was talking about the herbs. So I rewrote it, and changed the tone . . . and her response was that the version sounded like it was written 'for a woman, by a woman'.
It caused me to question the nature of my perspectives on being a woman. Especially since that very same day, I was in the middle of ovulating, and recognized just how uncomfortable I was with the knowledge of what my body was doing. I wanted to crawl out of my skin . . . and it wasn't all about the increased physical desire that it produced. Some of it was just pure discomfort over the knowledge that the process was occurring. Nothing felt 'natural' or 'life-giving'. And when I couldn't sit in it any longer, I took a walk and bought a cookie to eat . . . to cut that awareness out of my conscious self.
So this leads me to wonder if there is a root belief within my physical self that I am too 'weak' . . . and how this fits into the discomfort that I feel in a very natural process in my body. Was this a response to the sexual abuse and rape? Or does this stem even further - back to the physical abuse that I encountered as a child, and my mother's detachment and unwillingness to educate me about my own body? Is it culturally ingrained as well? And how will all of this feed into the path I'm on right now?
Where do I start?
Even today, I don't feel centered in my body. I feel myself energetically trying to avoid everything between my upper thighs and belly button. Like an energetic chastity belt of sorts . . . it's odd.
I had an interesting moment on Tuesday afternoon . . . where I realized the contradictory nature of my mindset in terms of my physical self. I was on a conference call for business development purposes, and being coached by the woman leading the call. She asked me to list things that we have not yet achieved and the mindsets that have stopped us from doing so. Then she asked us to list the things we have achieved that truly aligned with who we were, and the personal qualities that we used to get there. And I found a rather interesting paradox.
I listed 'training for the AIDs Ride' as an unfulfilled goal that I have . . . and the mindset was that I was too weak and wouldn't be able to sustain myself physically in it. But then under what I have achieved, I listed 'health/vitality' . . . that would be quite the opposite of being weak, yes? The paradox grows deeper . . . a few weeks ago I finally acknowledged to myself (in part because of this business development course) that I want to specialize in Women's Health and Wellness as an LMT and an LAc. However, when I was writing an article on PMS and Chinese Herbs for this company that I'm contracting with . . . I used some incredibly strong, negative words to describe the female menstrual cycle and ensuing imbalances. I had emailed a copy of the article to 8, asking for her feedback . . . in part because she works with women day in and day out. She pointed out the verbage that I was using in the article and how it had a very different tone from what I used when I was talking about the herbs. So I rewrote it, and changed the tone . . . and her response was that the version sounded like it was written 'for a woman, by a woman'.
It caused me to question the nature of my perspectives on being a woman. Especially since that very same day, I was in the middle of ovulating, and recognized just how uncomfortable I was with the knowledge of what my body was doing. I wanted to crawl out of my skin . . . and it wasn't all about the increased physical desire that it produced. Some of it was just pure discomfort over the knowledge that the process was occurring. Nothing felt 'natural' or 'life-giving'. And when I couldn't sit in it any longer, I took a walk and bought a cookie to eat . . . to cut that awareness out of my conscious self.
So this leads me to wonder if there is a root belief within my physical self that I am too 'weak' . . . and how this fits into the discomfort that I feel in a very natural process in my body. Was this a response to the sexual abuse and rape? Or does this stem even further - back to the physical abuse that I encountered as a child, and my mother's detachment and unwillingness to educate me about my own body? Is it culturally ingrained as well? And how will all of this feed into the path I'm on right now?
Where do I start?
Even today, I don't feel centered in my body. I feel myself energetically trying to avoid everything between my upper thighs and belly button. Like an energetic chastity belt of sorts . . . it's odd.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)