Ovulation

I wish that I understood why this particular aspect of my cycle causes so much distress for me. I find myself again at day 14 and even with the small steps forward that I have seen in this process . . . the progress halts and slides back again. Suddenly I am numb again. Suddenly my mantra is no longer holding me present to this and creating a safe space. Suddenly I want food that will give sensation to that area, even in the form of bloating and heaviness. Something that will surround it and keep me anchored in an area that I can no longer feel again.

Perhaps it is so difficult because it represents the ultimate gift of being a woman. This, some would say, is the source of our power - to create human life. Yet, I cannot exist in that space. While I'm certain that some of this is rooted in having had an abortion and the energetics of that process, I would also say that my experience of rape as a teenager also feeds into this as well. There was no protection time and time again, yet I never became pregnant. Was I just that lucky? Or did my body protect me that dutifully? Did it know intrinsically that my survival depended on being able to leave home, and begin a new life?

If so, then I question what it must have experienced in finally opening to that power . . . only to have the process halted in its tracks.